I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
im about as happy as oj after his trial
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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