and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
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