She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
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