My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
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