My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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