We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Randomize
