question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
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