I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Randomize
