6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
