I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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