Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Randomize
