I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
We all have our weaknesses that drive us crazy. We happen to have one in common, 21 year olds. Your secrets safe. Touch his penis.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
