Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
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