i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
God I need to hump something, right now.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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