if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
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