puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
