I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
COCAINE IS GR8
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Randomize
