I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize
