I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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