New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Randomize
