Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
