yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
