thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
