New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
