How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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