Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Randomize
