Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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