Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
