hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize