phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
