Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
What changed your mind?
Being sober
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Randomize
