you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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