I cannot find my penis.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Randomize
