There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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