in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
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