I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
it's great music for shaving your balls
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
You have to summon your inner elephant
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
