My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize
