I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
