If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
