and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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