HIV tests are more positive than that guy
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
