everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
