I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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