You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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