Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Randomize