Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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