I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Randomize
