My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I've blown a few things in my day
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Randomize
