go do what you do best...puke behind churches
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
