We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
