YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
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