I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
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