She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Randomize
