one word: firstdatebathroomanal
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
