dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
