what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
