it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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