she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Randomize
