On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
